My wife “suffered” from glossophobia

Part 2.

9 minutes read

By Dr. F. Chaudhry

We planned one-week Mediterranean cruise holidays. We had been on cruise ships quite a few times before.  We suggested to our family friends, husband and wife couple, to join us this time. They are awfully nice and always ready to help others. I never see them moaning about anything. In recent years they have turned slightly more religious, more so than their respective parents. But reassuringly they are not religious zealots.  The husband, who is called Aliyu, has grown beard. But it is not of the style of Brian Blessed’s beard. Rather, it is of Corbyn’s style. He has been a Corbyn fan. Since his decisive defeat in the recent general elections, Aliyu appears to be changing the style of his beard slowly but steadily.

The couple have been on other holidays but never on a cruise ship. This was their maiden journey on a ship, and they were gripped by a feeling of excitement. We forewarned them that on board there would be a variety of highly delectable veg, fish and meat dishes but not the hallal/kosher food, unless at the time of booking they pre order this.  

  We went to Southampton by train one day early and stayed in a hotel. Next day at about 1.30 pm we boarded the ship. Our friends were fascinated and truly entranced by the gargantuan ship.

During the week some interesting things happened. But I will recount the two incidents only. Before coming to the second one, which directly leads to the question as to who told someone in the Council that the mayoress was glossophobiac, I will narrate the first one which is quite interesting.

It was at dawn when our ship docked in the French port of Roeun. Paris was the nearest city. We were not keen to visit Paris as we had been there before many times. But Aliyu and his wife were very excited to see the city for the first time and the Eiffel-Tower in particular. My wife decided to go with them as well. As no excursion tickets were available anymore, it was decided that they would travel by train. One-way journey by an express train was around an hour and 10 minutes.

Next morning, they boarded the ship’s shuttle bus service and in about ten minutes were at the town centre. They hired a taxi and reached the station which took another ten minutes.

They viewed the Tower and milked every minute of the surroundings.

They returned to the station to catch the train to come back to the port town. Due to the language barrier, it took quite some time before they came realised that the train was cancelled. The next one would come after an hour. While waiting for the next train a fellow passenger, who was French and was to board the same train, told them that he was a regular commuter and the cancellation of trains was not uncommon. He was not sure the next train would arrive on time.

It was 3 pm. According to my approximation by that time they should have returned to the ship. I tried to contact them on their mobile phones but there was no response.

 At 3.45 pm I struck up a conversation with the officer at the entrance, who was an Asian. He told me the chronology of the timings leading to the departure of the ship from the dock.

 The last shuttle bus would arrive at 4.15 pm. All the passengers should check in by 4.25 pm when the embarking gangway would be removed, and the ship door shut. The two long blasts would be sounded at 4.45 pm and the ship should sail any moment thereafter.

Earlier at 4.05 pm I was able to establish contact with Aliyu who had told me the train would reach the station in about 25 minutes. The earliest they could reach the ship by taxi would be 4.45 pm. Thus, it seemed certain that they would miss the boat.  There were more than 3,000 passengers on board the ship and the departure could not be delayed for 3 persons. Moreover, the longer the ship remained docked in the port, more rent was payable by the cruise company.

They had funds to stay in a hotel and the next day could travel to London by air, train or ferry. But what about the luggage? On my own I could not handle it.

 I was in quite a pickle and it was getting worse with every passing minute.

I tried to argue with the officer at the gate. He expressed his inability to delay the departure. The door had to be shut by 4.25. By that time, it was 4.23 pm. Only two minutes were left and under no circumstances they would be able to reach the ship in time.

At 4.25 pm when the officer was about to shut the system, I had another round of persuasive talk with him. He reiterated that it was not in his power. He raised half of his arm to convey directions to the ground staff to disengage the gangway. I moved his hand gently downwards to its normal place. It was not, even in the broadest sense like Pope Francis moving the arm of his pilgrim. I asked to speak to the Captain. I did not expect he would agree. But this was the last desperate throw of the dice. Being a lawyer, I believe that one should argue vehemently even if the case has no substance. There have been instances in my life practising law where hopeless cases have been won.

AT 4.35 pm I was speaking to the Captain.

To gain some more minutes, I allured him to listen to me about the things which were not relevant to the issue of delaying the departure. At 4.35 pm I was talking to the Captain decorously:

‘I’m Dr Chaudhry. I’m pleased to talk to you. How’re you’?

He replied:

‘I’m fine. What can I do for you?

I replied hiding my worry behind an air of insouciance:

‘I met you at your party. You sounded Scottish. Which part of Scotland you come from? I’ve been to so many places in Scotland. To be honest I love Scotland’.

I was trying to be friendlier and flatterer.

It looked that he was carried away by the conversation and for some minutes he was oblivious of his duty to order the departure of the ship.

Captain said pleasantly:

“Thank you…..”

Interrupting him, I said:

 “We’ve travelled on this ship and other ships owned by your company many times before. Each time we enjoyed it”.

The captain’s patience was running out and it appeared he was getting agitated. He said:

“Thank you for the compliments. But what’s the problem, sir? In what way can I help you?”

As I was speaking slowly, respectfully and with pauses, the time was 4.44 pm.

The officer at the gate saw a taxi and three passengers alighting from it. He roared:

“They’re here”.

I thanked the Captain and truncated the conversation.

The threesome checked in huffing and puffing.

Next day at lunch time what happened is more interesting. It culminates in the disclosure of the answer to the question posed in Part I of the story.

  There were several restaurants in the ship with a variety of food. We were having fantastic time.

It was lunch time. The ladies went to a different restaurant and Aliyo and I chose one on the upper deck. We occupied the seaside table. We were eating, talking and enjoying a gorgeous vista of the sea. Suddenly, I heard Aliyo addressing me timidly:

‘Doctor, I’ve made a mistake. I’ve eaten a small piece of roast chicken which was non-halal/kosher. Please don’t tell my wife.’

At first, I chortled. It took a few minutes before I composed myself. I replied gently: “Look, Aliyo, had you not mentioned the fact that you ate non-halal/kosher piece of chicken, I wouldn’t have noticed it at all. Now you’ve brought it to my attention the situation is different. I might’ve many weaknesses but unfortunately the conspicuous one is that I can’t keep secrets close to my chest. I would do my best not to breathe a word of this to anyone, let alone your wife. But I am not joking if I tell you that I might blab it to someone sooner or later. Be that as it may, you should not worry- it is a flimsy fact. There might be a chance that your wife comes to know of it, but she will forgive you and forget it.” He said: “I think you don’t know my wife. She’ll not forgive me, nor will she forget it. I’m sure my God would ignore it. He has several other far more serious problems to be taking care of rather than to punish me for eating this small piece of chicken. Beside hair-raising problems on our planet, He might be busy to control the Black hole, which swallows objects of the size of our earth and no one knows what happens to them. It’s our good luck that our planet is billion of light years away from the hole.” After a pause, he added: “I don’t blame you. But I can swear by that you’ll try to keep it on the quiet. If you don’t, I’ll be ready to face the music.” Coming back to the question: Who told someone in the Council about the fact that my wife suffered from glossophobia? The answer is: I did.